The Ford Prison Riots

After celebrating the New Years in in Brighton, I decided to stay awake all night in order to catch the first train home. I had been offered several places to stay but for some reason I saw this 5.20am train as a target I must keep - I was not drunk and I had had my fair share of New Years. Little did I know that the trip would be quite eventful in itself.

I decided to walk to Hove station in order to pass some time, rather than to walk to the much nearer Brighton station. Once near, I went into a Kebab shop and ordered a nice dirty donner. Why not? So I waited, and whilst I waited, a thin shaved head early twenty year old in a hood came in and stumbled at the counter breathing through his nose. "Four pound, all I got, what kebab I get?". He was clearly quite high and it felt like he could easily get quite angry, and so my donner kebab turned into his! Quite understandably, the Turkish man behind the bar thought it best to get him out quick and easy and so skipped my order for the moment, but then 2 minutes later he came back, "this is chicken! This is fucking chicken!" and so again my donner became his for a second time, AND he stumbled out in a rush breathing snot through his nostrils. England...

I managed to get to Hove station in the end, but found that my train did not exist, after running around the front building for ten minutes and asking a drunk man how to get in to the station (it seemed to be locked) for the train, which was not much use. I could jut peak into the hall window to see I had to wait another forty minutes. And then along came another man of around twenty, who was quite clearly having a very strange MDMA experience. Stumbling around the road as taxis sped past, this man slowly let his trousers fall and held his dick whilst screaming. He was stumbling right, then left, then walking towards me, then away and going "MmmPphhhMmmmm". The drunk man who was so helpful earlier, started laughing and pointing at the MDMA man and a third man started to shout at them both quite clearly understanding what must be done. Shouting settled the MDMA man and he sat down, probably saving his life from the fate of roadkill.

In the end I found myself on the train platform with all three men, planning where I would sit on an empty train that would make it unlikely for me to be punched and murdered by any of these passengers. I pretended to read my Just William book to avoid any conversations but by this point, I was hallucinating myself due to over tiredness! As it happened, when the train came, rather than being empty, it was full to the brim of post clubbing screaming and post clubbing snoring. There were many mouths open and eyes closed on heads that leant on shoulders and windows. I climbed over bare legs, cowboy hats and handbags to get to a seat that was sat next to some underaged screaming girls and I tried my best not to fall asleep.

When I opened my eyes, I was leaving Littlehampton station, and off at the distance I could see a huge globe of fire, orange in the night, fumes gathering in the air. I knew this fire would be on the local news, but I had no idea it would be headline national news. I had witnessed the Ford Prison Riots, as I found out the next day. No one else on the train seemed to have noticed.

I managed to make it to my bed in Chichester by seven and I happily fell asleep. New Years was over. Good.